He Always Keeps Me Guessing . . . !

Warning:  This story involves fecal matter. However, if you're an autism parent, you know our life is full of conversations about poop! And although this story starts out in a rather alarming fashion, don't worry: it turns out okay. ;) 

I was trying to do some banking on the computer when I overheard Ryan creating a racket in the kitchen.  By the sound of the noise, I could tell he wasn't getting into anything harmful. I also knew from the type of ruckus he was causing that it was the kind he usually makes when he's in the process of doing a BM.  I won't get into the particulars, but he has a habit of getting hyper and crashing the blinds around as part of his routine. So, I waited for things to mellow down (and for the smell to waft over, so I knew for sure he needed a change) before I went to check on him.

I walked into the kitchen to get him, but he wasn't there, so I headed down the hall and into his room. He was standing over by the bed, playing with a toy. I went to take his hand and bring him for a diaper change when I saw THIS:

"Uggh, RYAN BITS!" I groaned.  (Nothing new there, but it's still gross. Occasionally, Ryan's little BM pebbles escape his diaper and end up on the floor.  We've nicknamed them "Ryan Bits.") Anyhow, I made note of the bits and went to grab Ryan's hand to lead him to the bathroom when I spotted his fingers.  They had brown smeared all over them. Double ewwww! But again, we've dealt with this before. Once in a while, he gets his hands into his diaper or the bits. So, I took a breath (not too deep: he's pungent) and reached for the wipes to do an emergency hand clean-up.

That's when I noticed his MOUTH.

O-M-G. Now I was losing my cool.

"Ryan, that is so freaking gross! Let me see your mouth! Ack! Yucky!"

Meanwhile, Ryan was laughing like this was the funniest thing ever, and trying to run away from me. As he darted to the opposite corner of the room, I saw THIS:

Wait a second . . . Wait a second . . . Is it? Please, let it be . . .

CHOCOLATE!

Ryan has stolen a Hershey's bar out of Kevin's candy bag, chewed it open, and spit out chunks of chocolate all over the place . . . I think.

I'm still not sure. It looks an awful lot like Ryan Bits! And, he does have a BM in his diaper. Hmm . . .

Sniff check time! 

Mouth/Breath: Chocolate.
Hands: Chocolate.
Stuff on Carpet: Chocolate.

Stuff in Diaper? Well, that's a BM. I'd be worried if that was chocolate!

***

After everything was sorted out, I had to laugh at myself. And at the situation. Can you say "comedic timing"? What are the chances that Ryan would have a BM and scatter little bits of chocolate all over the place at the same time? It still can't get over how much they looked like Ryan Bits and how it all came together. Knowing Ryan's history, you wouldn't blame me for my confusion! ;)

This kid. He always keeps me guessing! :D 

Breakfast with Santa

I knew today was going to be an emotional roller coaster.

Ryan's class had a very special field trip planned: Breakfast with Santa. 

Now, I honestly don't know if Ryan understands who Santa is, or even what Santa means.  But as with everything his class does, I wanted him to be a part of it. And I wanted him to have fun.

I have also learned, though, not to set myself up for disappointment.  I knew there would be a lot of challenges for Ryan today. He had to ride on a school bus with his classmates to the location of the breakfast.  He's only ridden on a school bus once before, for a field trip last year, and I was there to keep him calm. He's always nervous approaching new vehicles, or vehicles he doesn't travel in often--even Daddy's car! Plus, you can imagine how loud that bus gets with sixty excited kindergartners on board! Furthermore, they were coming to an unfamiliar setting (the Knights of Columbus hall).  Add to that, they were going to stand in front of parents and guests and sing a few Christmas songs. Then, they were going to have a buffet-style breakfast in this new place. And to top it all off, after breakfast, they would get to visit with the Big Man himself: Santa Claus! Can you imagine how much stimulation this would be for my sweet little Ryan to take in, along with over 50 exuberant classmates and their families? 

Really, my goal was to have him peaceful and content. I didn't care if he didn't want to eat the food, or participate in the concert, or sit with Santa. I'd be a bit disappointed he wasn't joining in the fun activities, sure, but his well-being was more important to me. I was so anxious about him having a good time that I was totally stressed out, so I was grateful Daddy could come for a while, too. Daddy's relaxed energy would balance out my nervous energy, and I've noticed Ryan is sensitive to the energy around him.  Daddy would be good at helping everyone relax a bit amidst the "Christmas chaos," as one EA was calling it.

Anyways, on with the story. The parents drove themselves to the hall separately, and the children arrived by bus a little bit after. When the bus finally arrived (20 minutes late!), I was relieved to see Ryan walk in with huge grins and happy sounds. He gave me a great big smile when I went to collect him from the EA, so he could sit with me and Daddy at our table. Mrs. F. (his morning EA) said he had been shaking like a leaf when they boarded the bus, but she gave him his noise-cancelling headphones, some deep-pressure squeezes, and once the bus started rolling, he loved the ride!

Ryan was in a great mood after his bus ride! He was enjoying the red and green light show on the ceiling. :)

While we waited for the activities to start, the kids had Christmas-themed pictures they could colour. Ryan's was a squirrel holding a candy cane.

Once everyone was settled in, the kindergarten classes each went up to the front and presented a few Christmas songs. Ryan's class went second.  While he was in the show, Mrs. F. stood behind him to help him stay steady and relaxed.  He looked a little lost in his own thoughts up there, but at least he was content.

Ryan's class: It's easy to spot him. He's the only one wearing head-phones. ;)

He looks pretty happy up there.

Ah, a big stretch between songs!

So, he made it through the bus ride, sitting and colouring, and all the performances without a hitch. But as we got ready to line up for the buffet, he started to get upset. Daddy took Ryan and got some fruit and drinks from another area. Once Ryan was settled at our table with some grapes, he was okay for a while.  The breakfast was so-so: he tried (and spit out) the scrambled eggs, bacon, bun, and pancakes.  However, we discovered he LOVES tater tots!  In the end, he had a lovely breakfast of grapes, tater tots, and water! But he was getting increasingly restless.  Unfortunately, since things were running rather late, Daddy had to head back in to work before Santa arrived. (It was nice that the teachers and EAs finally got to meet him, though.)

Once everyone was finished eating the breakfast, they called the children to the front of the room to prepare for Santa's arrival.  I could see the EAs had their hands full with other little ones (and were trying to get a few mouthfuls of well-deserved, much-needed coffee!), so I took Ryan and sat up front with him in my lap. He seemed content to curl up with me, and we rocked along as the other children sang "Here Comes Santa Claus," "Jingle Bells," and "Happy Birthday (to Jesus)" while we awaited Santa's entrance.

Suddenly, Ryan just lost it.

I mean, I knew it had been building up throughout breakfast, but I had hoped we'd been able to bring him back down.  But no.  He started to wail, and push away from me, just as Santa came in the door. The thing is, he couldn't even see Santa from where we were. All the other kids stood up and ran across the room to Santa, so Santa was lost in the melee.  I think it might have been that he sensed the sudden, dramatic spike of energy in the room, and it tipped him over the edge. He just couldn't handle it. He was throwing himself around, trying to run away, and sobbing so hard he was choking.  Mrs. F. came and took him for a walk to try and settle him.

As she led Ryan away, Santa approached a little side group of Ryan's special needs buddies. These little boys' eyes lit up, and they each gave Santa a big hug. It was so sweet.

I tried not to cry. I watched the joy those boys and their families and caregivers were experiencing, and my heart dropped as my gaze settled on Ryan, across the room, in his EA's lap, thrashing around and howling with tears. It was so unfair. All I wanted was for my little boy to have an enjoyable experience.  The other children were gathering around Santa, brimming with wonder and delight, while Ryan sat off to the side with his tenderhearted EA trying to soothe him.  I was heartbroken.

I stayed away.  Although I longed to be the one comforting my boy, I knew he'd sense my anxiety and sadness, and it would just make things worse. So I watched, from a distance, as the other kids had their turns visiting with Santa. I watched, from a distance, as Mrs. F. handed Ryan over to Mrs. S., his afternoon EA, so she could try and calm him, because he was still battling with himself.

Finally, after about 20 minutes, Ryan began to relax.  I watched as a little friend, Z., went up and chatted with Ryan and made him smile.  I decided it was safe to head back over there to see Ryan.

[On a side note, I have seen Z. go up to Ryan in the playground, when Ryan was upset, and talk to Ryan, or make silly faces, or try to tickle him.  I asked Mrs. F. about it, expressing how sweet it was, but how I was concerned with the way Ryan sometimes ignored Z. or pushed him away. Mrs. F. said not to worry; Z. sits at Ryan's table in class and understands Ryan's moods well. Z. is often the one to cheer Ryan up when he gets upset in the classroom. How awesome is that? As Mrs. F. said, it's wonderful that these kids will grow up with Ryan, so they'll be his classmate-friends/advocates in the future.]

Ryan was much calmer when I got to him. He was tired, and just wanted to snuggle in my lap.  Mrs. S. asked if I wanted to try having Ryan visit with Santa, but maybe we'd wait until the end, so the energy level would be more peaceful. Then, she had an even better idea: How about she asked if Santa could come over here in this quiet spot, and visit one-on-one with Ryan, once the others had their turn? That way, Ryan wouldn't have to make another transition, and we'd be in a more relaxed atmosphere. Thankfully, the organizers agreed. So, Santa finished visiting with all the other children.

And then, the magic happened.

Santa slowly approached our table, surrounded by a group of eager children.  The teachers stepped in, and gently shooed them back, reminding them they'd already had their turn with Santa. This was Ryan's time with Santa.

At first, Santa sat down on a chair across from Ryan while Ryan stayed in my lap.  He spoke to Ryan softly, reached out and stroked his hands, and gave Ryan time to adjust to this colourful stranger.

Next, he showed Ryan the set of bells he was carrying. Santa told Ryan that if he looked really closely into the bells, he might even see Rudolph in there! He let Ryan hold and play with the bells.

                                                           

After a bit of friendly chat, he leaned in and asked if Ryan would like to come and sit with him, and maybe give him a hug.               

                                             

When Santa held out his arms, Ryan jumped off my lap and walked right into them!

                                                 

Yay! 

Then, Ryan discovered the best thing about Santa: He gives AMAZING hugs!

And Ryan loves a good squeeze!

Ryan also learned that Santa's beard tickles a lot!

       

 In the end, Ryan had a wonderful visit with Santa.

To quote the teachers' and EAs' message in Ryan's communication book today: "Ryan's smile when he sat with Santa totally made our day! :)" In fact, when he first moved from my lap to Santa's, and that huge grin appeared on his face, his EA from last year was so moved that she burst into tears--and soon all the teachers, EAs, and myself gathered around them were all shedding happy tears, too! There was so much magic in that moment: Ryan's joyful acceptance of Santa's kindly overtures, the love I could feel radiating from the school staff for my little boy . . . So awesome.

When I shared a message or two on Facebook about my roller coaster of emotional experiences this morning, a friend and fellow autism mom wrote, "The lows are oh so low..... but the highs are just unbelievably indescribably amazing." Exactly.